MamaC gets a little real

30 Dec

New years eve is tomorrow. 2011 is nearly over and really im glad. This year has really been difficult in so many ways, ok it just plain all around sucked pretty much. Although I have learned a lot about myself and what i am capeable of I still think about the what ifs. I know they do not do me any good, but i still cannot help but wonder. What if I had not gotten sick? What if DH and I had a better marriage? You know like the kind I see in front of me every day, the kind I envy of my friends from church. Which my friend A so nicely points out i suck about being incognito about. And what if our lives hadnt fallen apart this summer? What if DH hadnt decided to give up on me momentarily? And what if i had fought harder before that happend. Because truthfully i stopped trying very hard a long time before DH did. Which probably means im at a larger fault than I would like to admit. A and my other close friends tell me the what ifs don’t matter and I know they are right. What matters is the now and the choices I make now. Which bring in their own form of what ifs and a lot of fear of the unknown future.
As the holliday break draws to a close, the day for me to take my community college placement tests draws closer. Really they arent a great deal and really not a ton of people do awesome on them. Lots of folks have to start over at math 20 or take writing 121. Especially if its been years since they were in school. But still im scared. I HATE tests
and I generally do much worse on them than my actual knowledge of the subject. I have resigned myself to the knowledge that ill probably be placed in one of the lowest level math classes. And that is ok. I have to remind myself that this is a good thing im doing even though its scary. And that its ok to be doing it and even though itll be hard it will be better for our family in the long run. So no matter how long i play the what if game i guess the reall what if question is this : what if I just trust? Trust that God is in control. That Jesus died for me, for all my mistakes all my sins. That he loves our family. That he loves me and that his plan is perfect. So I ask you that same question today readers. What if you trust Jesus today?
Love, MamaC

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Posted by on December 30, 2011 in Uncategorized



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